Child Birth Class - Night 1

So my super supportive husband humored me and attended the child birthing class up at the hospital. I had no idea what to expect from him or the class. There were a ton of people there and we met a lot of nice couples. We had to introduce ourselves in front of the whole class and say our name, profession, due date, fun fact and/or fear.

We were one of the last to go so we just reiterated a lot of the same fears as everyone else. Snakes, saying something you shouldn't to someone during labor, crazy dreams (like my last post) coming true. Our teacher was a huge Florida football fan and so Chip's fun fact was that our team (Ole Miss) was the last team to beat Florida.

One of the funniest fears was the last guy sitting behind us. His fear was of his wife. Chip and I died, it was hilarious. Later that night someone came up to that guy and asked him if anyone ever told him he looked like Brendan Fraser. So being that he was behind me, I hadn't seen him, so I turn around to take a look and as he's responding that he usually gets told that he looks like - - - and I interrupted Harry Connick Jr. My goodness this guy was his twin brother. Super hottie. I mean I know I'm not suppose to think that being that he's there with his pregnant wife and I'm there pregnant with my husband but my my he was a cutie....his wife was too.

We met another couple, The Harkins. She is due with a little boy the day after me and so we hope they don't switch our babies in the hospital. She is to deliver at River Oaks and I at Women's but she said if River Oaks is full that day they told her she'd go to Women's. I'm pretty sure that we'll be able to tell our babies apart. I think that my baby might come out as big as she is. She was as big as my pinky toe...tiny little girl. She was all belly.

Then there was the mother of all mothers...she sat across the room, but everyone could not believe her story. She came in with her mom who admitted that she was not even 50 yet. I would say the pregnant daughter was maybe 19 or 20. She is due SUNDAY and just found out she was pregnant at 35 weeks! Ok, so let me repeat that. She found out she was pregnant 4 weeks ago.

You know that show "I didn't know I was pregnant" that comes on the Discovery or Science Channel at like 11:00 pm sometimes. I always think those girls are weird....how could you not know?!?! I guess every one is different? But really.....this girl walked into the room and even I knew she was pregnant like big pregnant. Not just because we were in a child birthing class. I don't get it.

So anyway, Chip was well behaved. Sort of. They were talking about when your water breaks and the things you need to notice. It's called the COAT method.
C - Color
O - Odor
A - Amount
then before she came out to say the 'T', Chip turns to me and said.......Taste? Oh man, I lost it. I was laughing so hard I almost had to get up and leave. I had tears running down my face. I was just picturing someone grotesquely tasting the water that broke making sure it was either urine or amniotic fluid. But alas, the 'T' was Timing.

Then the teacher (who is due with her 3rd child on January 7th) had a guy come up to the front and put on a backpack, that faced forward. There were items that she put in there like a sack of flour, corn meal, bottled water, dry beans, big can of beans, rice, and some other stuff. Each one represented something whether it be amniotic fluid weight, breast tissue weight, placenta weight, extra blood weight...etc. It totaled 27lbs. She said this is on average what we gain being pregnant. I turned to Chip and said...well, that makes me feel better. Chip, before thinking, said but not everyone is the same and it may not all be that each item weighs that much. I said, well my items weigh that much and it makes me feel better thinking that. I then concluded our converstation with a sarcastic...Ass.

The teacher invited all the Dads to come up there and try it on at break. I made Chip and he tried to play it off like...pssshhaa I carry that many books around every day. But so soon he forgets that he doesn't sleep with these books on his back or much less his front - nor with his books being on his back does it make it hard for him to do simple tasks like tie your shoes or put on your "step ins" as my mother in law would say. He's a punk.

We watched a birthing video. Yes, THE real live birthing video. My lady privates hurt after I watched it and after looking at the dilation chart. I'm pretty sure that if they could just put me into a coma at the first contraction that would be superb. Wake me up when it's over, please. Thanks.

After class we got in the car and did what we do best. Make up stories. We started to make up stories about some of the couples and how they met and of course there is always the token Alabama fan in the crowd adorned with the 'A' hat. Chip thinks that his fiance is really his cousin. He made up this huge elaborate story with town names and everything. We like to pretend. Most people don't know that about Chip and I, we love to make up songs and pretend we know about peoples lives. It comes from my family. We are weird like that. If only you were a fly on the wall at the Hawkins house. You'd never leave the same. Our poor kid. He doesn't stand a chance.

Stay tuned next Monday for Night 2. We have to bring pillows.....should be interesting.