Thursday, May 31, 2012

April: Sonograms And No Showering

Then the big day! Tuesday, April 3rd was our next baby appointment and we got to have a sonogram! I’m not sure I’ve ever had to tt so bad in my whole life. I’d heard that you get a better picture of the baby if your bladder is full so I acted like a camel and just held it for days…or what seemed like days because when you are pregnant you hit up the potty every 45 minutes or so. It was show time and as Chip and I walked down the hall with the tech I felt the need to tell her how important it was that we see the baby’s face, our son has a cleft and I need to know to prepare for this baby and I have three dogs and once when I was little I rode my bike into the garage door and my grandma use to make the best fried chicken ever. I was nervous. I’m pretty sure I said all of that and more as we walked for like 10 seconds from the lobby to her sonogram room. She told me that I would need to remind the techs when they do sonograms about the cleft, but this time we wouldn’t get to see the face.

What? Why? Huh?

But I’d researched and the baby’s face forms between weeks 4-6 and I was determined I should be able to see something, anything! I was confused. I had to tt and I wasn’t thinking straight. It ended up my bladder was so full she couldn’t see anything and made me go empty it, thank God because it hurt so bad as she pushed on my bladder to see around. I don’t think I will do that again. So she checked around and all looked well then she went to the baby. It was itty bitty and not even in the form of a babe yet. She measured and he/she was only 1 cm long. How in the world am I supposed to see your face if you are 1 cm? How are you wrecking so much havoc on my body at only 1 cm? One centimeter, Seriously? It was the most precious centimeter I’d ever seen. I can say that and not show favoritism because I didn’t get to see Hill in utero until like week 13 and he was all grown up and in college by then. Seeing your baby for the first time whether in utero or in real life is always so surreal. It brings you back down a notch to be humbled and awed by God’s glorious miracles. We were glad to see all was well and that the baby had a heartbeat of 140 bpm. That was the first time we’d heard a heartbeat and we got to see the flutter of the heartbeat. So sweet. So neat. As soon as I got home I Googled 140 bpm boy or girl? Unfortunately 140 bpm is the median of the line so I can’t even sway one direction or the other.

After the sonogram, which we got pictures and have on DVD as if we were at Disney and got all the prizes to carry home, we went to see Dr. North. Dr. North said all my blood work and tests came back great from my original appointment. He went down the list and said I don’t have HIV or chlamydia or any funky transmitted diseases. So that’s a bonus….

He noticed my rash on my chest and said we’d keep an eye on it. It looked strange but not really poison ivy like. I could put cortisone cream on it if it would help. Then after discussing my heart palpitations he decided it is better safe than sorry and he wanted to send me to a cardiologist. No need for alarm, he thinks I just have anxiety but it’s become an issue and he wants to double check. I go back in 4 weeks.

The next day Dr. North’s office calls and has an appointment with a cardiologist, Dr. William Crowder lined up for Thursday the 5th. I felt like I needed to tell my boss what was going on since I hate secrets and don’t like to feel like a slacker at work. I needed to tell my boss but it was on the cusp of my friend, coworker, also the only other female in my department having a baby three days before hand. Barry was so excited. He loves it that people have babies and even though his daughters are in high school and college he can’t wait to be a grandpa. I literally have the best boss ever, I work for a fantastic family oriented company and I didn’t need reminding but Barry was sure to state that I do whatever I need to do because that little baby and my family come before anything else. That’s always good to hear. I get teary eyed every time I think about the CEO of my company hearing something was potentially wrong with Hill. He called me in his office and said that he and his family were joyous when they heard Chip and I were expecting and they still continue to be joyous and then he asked if he could pray with me. I sat in his office and prayed with him it was a calming moment and meant more to me than anyone will ever know. During my pregnancy is when the people I work with weren’t just coworkers anymore and my job wasn’t just a paycheck, it became working with family. Everyone was so supportive and it still continues to be that way. I am so fortunate to love what I do and work with people that I respect.

So off I went Thursday afternoon to the cardiologist. I was by far the youngest person there. When the nurse called me back she said, “do you have high blood pressure?” I said no and she said, why are you here? I explained my palpitations and being pregnant and preventative check-up. She took my blood pressure and it was 118/50 which was low, not bad, but low. Strange being that I was nervous and had such low pressure. The doctor came in and he was great. He’s like 38 and extremely down to earth. It was a breath of fresh air. We laughed and he said he has seen a handful of young healthy pregnant mothers with the same conditions. Usually it’s nothing to be alarmed about but he wanted to do a sonogram of my heart and have me wear a monitor for 48 hours. I assured him I didn’t want to do any unnecessary tests and if his word was that all was well then I could rest peacefully knowing that it’s ok and he didn’t need to do all these tests. He said he’d feel better doing them. So we did. I did the sonogram (and they called me the next day to say all was well) then as the lady was hooking the monitor that I needed to wear for 48 hours on to me she nonchalantly said, “You cannot take a bath for 48 hours.” Umm what? That was not part of the deal. It’s a good thing you caught me on a morning where I had enough time to shower! Otherwise I’d be a nasty grease monster going to visit my family in Texas this weekend! What was I going to tell my parents as they see me and then wonder why I have this random antennae probe coming out of my shirt. Turtlenecks in April?

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Finishing Up March

The following week was alright. I continued to be tired more so than the last time and I came to the conclusion that it’s because this time I’m pregnant and chasing a 2 year old which makes me double tired. I was able to officially boycott Pizza Hut by round two of another Pizza acid episode. Not sure how long it will be before I can do pizza again. I will say that this baby is a carnivore. It wants to eat steak and hamburger meat 24-7. Specifically beef enchiladas from the Mexican restaurant.

Just so you know - - you cannot call Child Protective Services on an unborn child. Therefore I proceed to tell you that Saturday we were doing yard work and decided to till up the yard and plant new grass. So Chip went and got the disk that hooks up to the 4-wheeler and drove it around the back yard a bit. It wasn’t digging into the ground because it was too light. So he put a big concrete block on it. That didn’t help either. So he put his pregnant wife on it and it worked! I stood on the disk and held on to the 4-wheeler rack and it worked beautifully. Dangerous yes, productive - - absolutely. Productivity in the Hawkins household is priority #1.

Continuing on...Sunday the 25th of March we let the boys play at the country club again. So fun to watch the three of them do their thing. They all have their own little personalities and they are all so very different. Hill has become a bit of a dare devil and runs into the water to about his thighs then has this look of “whoa! What am I doing?” and turns around and comes back to the sand. I think he forgets he’s so tiny.

The week of the 26th was a doosie. I wasn’t prepared for my charming little Hill deciding to hit his terrible twos this week. Monday his teacher said that he was a little grumpy. He’d sure had a Monday. Me too, I think I had my pjs on by 5:30 that evening. Then Tuesday it was, well Hill had a bad Monday on a Tuesday.

Once he got home though he was amused because they came and put the top soil down in the back yard so we could plant grass. This meant that there were tractors at my house. Hill LOVES tractors. I do have to mention that it is zero fun having to wash the dogs feet every time they go outside from the mud. It’s not easy cleaning 12 paws to prevent sand and mud coming into every crevice in your house.

Then on Wednesday before 7:45 am Hill had two spankings and a time out. We usually don’t dish out spankings and for him to be so completely disobedient simply because he couldn’t “play” with Daddy’s contacts was just absurd. Chip and I had both had our limit of his snotty brat attitude. I have to admit that I was a little shaken because Chip never loses his cool and he was very unhappy. I’m always the pissy one and he’s never really been the spanker. After I dropped Hill off at school Chip and I regrouped and tried to figure out what in the world has happened to this demonic angel child. Chip figured it out. He said what have we done different lately? For a week or two before Hill started sleeping in his big boy bed. It started with my being so tired that Hill and I got ready for bed then we’d go lay in my bed to watch TV and go to sleep. Hill is an awful bed mate and usually ends up sleeping on top of your head or with a foot in your rib cage. I’d decided that we could move this sleeping party to his big boy bed and that way I can get up and go to my bed once he jabs me in neck with his size 6 foot. Chip hooked up the TV in Hill’s room and we’d go to bed in Hill’s big boy bed then usually anytime between 2:00 am – 4:30 am Hill would take his tiny self out of his bed and walk across the house to our room where we were very tired and grouchy and just stuck him in bed with us. NO ONE was getting a good night sleep. Therefore Hill’s demonic behavior MUST be due to change in routine and not getting a good night sleep.

Wednesday night we were so ready to put Hill in his crib and see if our theory was correct. He fussed a little bit about getting in his crib again because he liked the big boy bed it made him feel grown and independent (which was a bit of the problem too, I’m sure.) But the kid slept like a dream. I had to go wake him up the next morning for school he was sleeping like a rock!

I’m not a psychologist but I think maybe I have decoded the terrible twos from happening. It’s only one word. Routine. Don’t break routine. Any change of pace or surrounding will cause bad bad evil mutant things to come out and embed in your toddlers being. It’s awful so we’ve decided to let Hill sleep in his crib until the 8th grade.

That Thursday when I went to pick Hill up at lunch his teacher said he did MUCH better and that we hopefully had solved the issue. I don’t usually pick Hill up at noon but we had his follow up appointment with Dr. Shell to go to! Hill was so excited to go see Dr. Shell. He kept saying, “I go see Dotter Shell” all the way to Memphis. We walked in the office and Hill said to Penny the receptionist, “Where Dotter Shell? I see Dotter Shell.” I’m pretty sure that the people in that office love us just as much as we love them. Penny shows Hill off to all the other patients. She said to one lady, “This is our baby. We’ve had him from the beginning.” As if he was their poster child….which he is. This was the first time we’d seen them since October. They were still talking about Hill’s Christmas card and how precious it was. They always goo and gahh over Hill and he eats it up.

They called us back to the exam room and I stopped by the bathroom and by the time I walked into the exam room Dr. Shell had already examined Hill and was wrapping up! I only tt’d and was 4 doors down – it cracks me up that we are only there 3 ½ minutes. Maybe I should just send a photo of Hill? Just kidding I love those guys and don’t mind driving so far even for just a second. Dr. Shell said everything looked great. His lip was still swollen (yes even nearly a year later) and he expected it to be that way a few more months. Dr. Shell never commits to if we will need another surgery yet or not because the healing process takes so long. His lip changes monthly, it’s true. All the landmarks are lined up and the redness has gone almost away so now we just wait on the swelling to see how the lip lays. We go back in August. In the mean-time keep lots of sunscreen on his lip to protect the scar from the sun. Good Check Up for my Boy!

Friday rolled around and I was so ready for the weekend. We’d had resident evil living with us at the beginning of the week and then traveling to Memphis and working I was exhausted. I’m pretty sure I was in bed at like 8. I think people came over to my house, but I have no idea as I had no energy to see who Chip was talking to. I was a Debbie Downer….my back hurt and there was this funky rash on my chest. I was ready to sleep off the week and wake up to Saturday.

Saturday was supper club at the Pettit’s. I’m sure everyone knows I’m pregnant. If they don’t then I will give myself too much credit for thinking I’m sly like that….which I’m not. JJ is pregnant too, she told us at the February supper club. It’s so funny because Hill and Harvey are 6 days apart and now these babies will be a few weeks apart. At dinner Harvey announced he’s having a sister (which they haven’t found out yet) and so Hill said that he’s having a brother. Umm, that silly Hill what is he talking about? Why would he say that? Trying to cover it up. We still hadn’t told anyone! We hadn’t really even told Hill. We’d asked Hill if he wanted a baby and he said No, that he was the baby and crawled into my arms like a baby. I am not a good liar and I hate secrets. I guess I did a good job of hiding my secret? It’s not like I drink a whole lot anyway. Most of the time people never notice if I drink or not because I have to be in the mood. I’m usually chasing Hill around because I wish he lived in a bubble so I usually don’t have but one or two if I do drink. I may have given it away though by the amount of food I ate. They did a fish fry and I ate my weight in fish, French fries and hushpuppies.

The next afternoon we went to the country club to play with the Pettit’s and Warrington’s again. This seems to be our Sunday Spring/Summer thing and I LOVE IT. Although before we went to the C.C. I took a nap with Hill and was abruptly woken up by my heart beat. My whole body was a huge heartbeat that throbbed my whole being so strongly that it woke me up. I had Chip feel my heart and he said it was racing. If there is one thing that Chip doesn’t take for granted it is heart issues. He was ready to take me to the doctor but I decided to wait since I had an appointment coming up on Tuesday with Dr. North. It shook me up a little but I would seek medical attention if needed and I just didn’t think it was time yet.

Back to the grind, Monday we signed up for swim lessons. I am so excited that Hill is old enough to get lessons locally by one of my sweet friends, Chris. Chris actually used to teach for the swim school in Jackson that Hill went to last year. She taught there when it was in the owners’ back yard before it became a commercially owned swim school. So we are excited that we get the same caliber of lessons without having to drive 140 miles round trip for 30 minutes one day a week for 16 weeks. These lessons are for an hour for 5 consecutive days. I don’t have to get in the water and should we want Hill to have extra lessons then we can register for another class later on. Yay for Hill!
My next post will begin with April...and our sonogram appointment!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

March 20, 2012 - The Confirmation

Chip and I went to visit Dr. North on Tuesday, March 20th. My regular annual visit was scheduled for March 3rd, but being that I knew we were trying I figured I would be 5 weeks come the 20th so I rescheduled hoping to know more. We got to the doctors’ office and Chip remembered where his “waiting area” was so he found his old/new cubby hole and waited for me to do my routine pee in a cup- - take blood pressure - - get blood work done.

Ms. Katie Brown, everyone’s ray of sunshine, was there to greet me and hug me just as she does everyone and has for over 45 years. She is a true angel. As I sat in the chair waiting for my blood work to be done she was the one to bring over the paper confirming my expectations that my urine test was positive. I unknowingly gave out a little giddy giggle and the lady about to take my blood smiled and said, “Let’s get you some different paperwork and take extra blood!” It’s a fun different feeling when you see it on paper, not like I didn’t know, but it just became more real! I’m pretty sure I said a little “Yay!” and did a little tapping jig with my feet as I always do when I’m excited or eating good food.

Dr. North came into the exam room with a sweet smile and joyous congratulations to us! Expecting no less than 6,000 questions from me, Dr. North was very sympathetic, as always, to my spastic OCD list of questions and nonsense. Although I did surprise myself by getting more emotional than I thought I would. I’ve had the talk with myself about how I was prepared for whatever and ready, yadda yadda yadda but once the words came out of my mouth to another human that my baby may have a craniofacial deformity - - I lost it. My questions of being a high risk pregnancy and wanting more sonograms may have been more of a public outcry than kind request. Dr. North in all his wisdom said he was trying to place himself in my shoes and understand but at the same time he didn’t want me to obsess over the development of my baby. We would do sonograms, but not every 2 weeks for my mental stability – I’d go insane and stress myself out. He was right.

He suggested we do AFP (alpha-fetoprotein) testing at 16 weeks. I don’t know if this is normal protocol as I can’t remember if we had this done with Hill or not, but it just checks the development of the neural tube (brain & spine formation) to make sure everything closes and is covered with skin and bone appropriately. Being that a cleft happens when formation of the mouth and nose don’t fully come together…I assume this developmental test will give us more of a heads up?!? I tried to non-freakoutingly ask how this test was performed. Just blood work. Whew, fabulous. I was picturing an amniocentesis with a huge ass needle going in my stomach and in my vivid visualization I all of a sudden became a magic act trick where the needle would go all the way through my body out the other side and I would rotate while floating in the air. I can handle blood work, no prob. At all. Yet, if the test does come back abnormal then I would have the amniocentesis and probably by that point I’ll either be in a medically induced coma due to mental issues or willing to do whatever I need to do -- you know that “mama can take on the world adrenaline” that starts pumping when needed. I’ve had that feeling way too many times in Hill’s short little 2 year life. God sure is smart for having created adrenaline…so interesting how you can lift cars and climb sky scrapers by a triggered emotion and a gland in your body.

So anyway, we have a plan and you all know how much I like plans. The cherry on top of the plan was that I get a sonogram on April 3rd (two weeks from my March 20th appointment.) That is 6 weeks sooner than I got my first sonogram with Hill (at week 13.) I’ll try not to push my luck with the Sonogram God’s but I sure hope I can find out everything about this baby top to bottom -side to side - eyeball to booty crack before he/she even gets here. I feel like I somewhat deserve that…maybe? Maybe I should be nonchalant like I was with Hill? I know it’s all in God’s hands but I just want to watch Him work…you know, maybe be the supervisor on the construction site. The general contractor of sorts. Keep an eye on things. Strange analogy? Yes. Give me a break, I’m pregnant.

Back to the appointment. I filled Dr. North in on how I knew I was pregnant 8 days after conception because I was nauseated starting at 4:00 pm on the dot Tuesday, March 6th as I traveled from Jackson back to Kosciusko from work. I thought I had eaten something bad, but my lunch was so good, a gyro from Kristo’s with extra sauce. Yum! So it couldn’t be that. I text my friend Hollee to tell her I couldn’t make the JA meeting I must have eaten something bad. She text back that I was pregnant and I told her that it must be the Son of God then. There was a little ‘LOL’ smiley face and haha in there, but she was right. Then the next day I ate lunch at the CafĂ© with a friend and there was an onion grown from the roots of hell that over powered my nose hairs. I commented to my friend about it and she said, “I don’t smell it, you must be pregnant.” WHAT? What was she talking about? That’s silly talk. Change the subject. Thursday I bought every stick to tt on that CVS offered. They were all negative. Stupid tests, you don’t know what you are talking about. I really think I told one of them that out loud like it would be offended at its uselessness. So Friday morning I called my trusty neighbor, my nurse, my friend, my angel Leigh Ann to explain to her what I knew. She said blood work would tell all.

She was right the blood work told all and confirmed my theory! I wanted to tell Chip, but the next day (Saturday, March 10th) was my birthday and I wanted to do something special since Chip had plans to take me out to dinner and a movie.

We went to Madison to see the silent movie “The Artist,” it was really good. Definitely not something I’d have picked for my birthday but I’m glad we went to see it because it was surprisingly fantastic. We decided to hit the matinee up first then eat dinner so we didn’t have a late night and could pick Hill up at Chip’s dads before 9:00. (The beauty of being an old Mamaw.) Once we got to the restaurant, Ely’s, I “had to go to the bathroom” which really meant that I had to give the waitress a fake special menu and explain to her what I was doing.

Tonight’s Specials
March 10, 2012

Sugar and spice and all things nice
Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails

Guess we will find out soon enough what we can have!

The waitress brought this card and Chip didn’t get it. I thought it was cute, but he didn’t get it. He thought that maybe it was like a clue to a guessing game for what tonight’s special was. Seriously? I can not believe I’ve kept this a secret for over 24 hours and you don’t even get my cutesy way of telling you! I was shattered. He knew I was disappointed that he didn’t get it. So once I explained it to him he was in shock.

Honestly had I not had time myself to go through the emotional motions and take a few steps back from the realization of bringing another life into this world to care for I’d have been extremely upset at his reaction. You know the uhh what the hell was I thinking? Wait, this is what we wanted. Wow, that was fast (fertile mertyle.) Holy mother we are having a baby and I’m not prepared. Oh gosh, we are having a baby. Then once it had time to absorb the shocked look never left his face but he was excited.

I continued on chronologically with Dr. North that the nausea since that Tuesday the 6th hadn’t gone away, I didn’t need to throw up but I was just not ok. It was constant. Day and night 24 hours just blah for a solid week and a day. Then we went over to our friends’ house Wednesday night the 14th for a pizza party only to be woken up at 3am Thursday morning by pizza acid shooting me out of bed to finally throw up. It wasn’t a really successful throw up because I still felt blah but then Thursday afternoon it was like a light switch. I was well. Yet then I started feeling like my blood pressure was up. I don’t know what this feels like, but I assumed my symptoms were blood pressure - my heart palpitated non-stop and my face was going to burst off my neck. The lady at the cosmetic counter Friday asked if I needed anything for my red undertones. What red undertones I replied? I don’t have red blotchy skin. She kindly handed me a mirror to show me how my cheeks were blood red. Oh, um, Hmmm, must be my blood pressure I said. Not knowing what the H E double hockey stick I was talking about. I decided to run to Target where they have everything, including someone that could take my blood pressure. The pharmacist took my presh-ah and said it was fine, but I knew I wasn’t feeling normal. Suck it up you’re fine you hypochondriac psycho pregnant lady.

Plus I couldn’t be “not ok” because Chip was on the coast that weekend and it was just Hill and me so I had to be tough. Hill and I hung out and went and played with Harvey and tried to go to bed super early because my tiredness is uncontrollable. We made pillow pallets in the bed and watched Mickey, Dora, & Yo Gabba Gabba and I never wanted that time to end.

So there we were….Tuesday, March 20th in the doctors’ office summing up my every life move to Dr. North since the conception of this child - I’m so sure that he’s missed the stew outta me.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

This Is The Blog Post

This is the blog post to tell you why I haven’t blogged. This is the blog post that tells you that the demons I’ve been fighting are actually me. This is the blog post that spills the beans that Hill is going to be a big brother. This is the blog post that opens the door and rears its ugly head to every hormonal emotion I’ve had over the past 2 months.

Warning: It’s not pretty and it’s for sure a roller coaster. Also, you will find yourself praying for Chip’s poor soul a lot.

So here it goes. The diary of my journey through my second pregnancy. It is nothing like the first rodeo everything is different, the feelings, the worries and the fears they are are all different. My emotions are raw and some wounds reopened and rehashed but new lights shed on both the old and new obstacles.

I will post sections of my diary as I can, I have about 15 pages so far. I’ve titled the start of my post as
….Selfish? Maybe.

Even though I cannot tell anyone yet because I don’t know for a fact myself…I’ve decided to go ahead and document from the beginning of this pregnancy, what I’m feeling, when things happen, how nauseated I am. Some things may be too much information, but if you’ve met me then you would expect nothing less.

The first day of my last period was February 14th or 15th, I can’t remember exactly but it was right before our trip to Las Vegas; I remember because I love traveling and changing tampons, that’s fun. Chip and I decided that Vegas was going to be our time. We hadn’t had a trip alone together since our honeymoon. Ok that’s a lie we did go to Tunica, MS alone to gamble Mother’s Day weekend in 2010. Hill was like 4 months old. We were driving distance for the next feeding should something go awry so I don’t really count that as a vacation, trip yes, but vacation no.

Wait, hold on…I just realized any away from home trip without Hill that we’ve planned has been gambling related (Tunica then Vegas.) We really aren’t big big gamblers anymore but I guess we sound like some craps addicted junkies that roll the dice and say, “Hill needs a new pair of shoes!” Ok that’s not how it really happens…we play blackjack…and I only exclaim that my son needs shoes when the dealer is letting me down.

I digress. If I were to stop this post here you’d think I’m an impregnated gambling addicted mom that last had her period on Valentine’s Day. Classy.

So as I was saying Vegas was going to be our time. For months, well really years now that Hill is two, Chip has wanted another baby. I on the other hand have struggled with the emotional roller coaster I went through while pregnant then after Hill’s birth. I can’t help but remember how alone I felt during my pregnancy and how disconnected Chip was from me. I know this time will be different for us. Let’s be honest 2009 was a rough year. I’d try to get him involved in picking out names or putting the nursery together, but Chip’s mother was sick, he was back in school, his mother passed away….this pregnancy was planned and I decided I couldn’t put myself through that isolation again. Selfish? Maybe. It was not exciting for him; but it wasn’t that he was not excited. He couldn’t understand the big picture that there was a baby growing inside of me, a life, something we created, it moves and kicks! It’s a little miracle. After Hill’s birth Chip comprehended what he’d missed out on.

I was 34 weeks when we found out about Hill being a cleft baby, oh just thinking about that day makes my heart skip a beat and my stomach flip. There were so many tears, questions, fears. This was any parents fear coming to fruition, something is wrong with your baby. That day Chip became more involved in the well-being of our baby, it was real. Fight or flight became a fight - and I needed a fighter more than anything. I was no longer alone. He told me that he didn’t understand, all he was worried about was 10 finger and 10 toes and healthy, he couldn’t be excited until he saw it. He’d say that all the time. He apologized and swore it would never be that way again and wanted another child probably since Hill’s 1st birthday. I was still undecided and this had to be a mutual decision.

Hill being a cleft baby has touched my life in so many ways. I’ve experienced such strong emotions of fear, happiness, love and sadness but I would not change one iota of Hill, he is perfect. He has taught me so much. I have the perfect son and I would do it over six gajillion times again to have the same outcome of the most precious child I’ve ever met. I wouldn’t change the fact he has a cleft, strange to hear that huh? It makes him who he is. Of course I would want to take away the pain he endured from his surgery, but even when kids bump their noggin’s what mama doesn’t want to take away the pain? I cannot lie, I hurt inside for the “what if” scenarios that don’t even exist should kids pick on him down the road for having a “different” lip….yet what mama doesn’t want to protect her child from any harsh words or harm?

You see I’ve come to realize that my struggles are no different than your struggles as a mother. It’s taken me a longtime to overcome my fears of putting another child through the same pains that Hill has endured or may endure in the future. Again, Selfish? Maybe. I say I’m willing to take that chance of having another cleft baby. I’ve prayed. I’ve researched. I’ve dug deep into my soul for God to give me the answer of what I should do, am I ready? Is this what I need to do?

Amazingly enough I found the answer looking right into my eyes every day, stealing my heart, making me laugh, and being my world. Hill Hawkins you are God’s creation and so perfect. Why wouldn’t I want another bundle of happiness in my life? It would be selfish of me to not have more happiness, right?! Well at least one more happy, I don’t want to have too much happiness that I can’t handle it.

Hopefully the odds are in our favor to have a baby without a cleft, but should he/she be a cleft baby I will joyfully kiss that big ol crooked mouth four thousand million times a day just like I do Hill’s.

Please join me in my prayers for God to lay His hand on this unborn child. Pray with me as He helps this baby to form and grow that His will be done with all of His glory. Amen.