This is the blog post to tell you why I haven’t blogged. This is the blog post that tells you that the demons I’ve been fighting are actually me. This is the blog post that spills the beans that Hill is going to be a big brother. This is the blog post that opens the door and rears its ugly head to every hormonal emotion I’ve had over the past 2 months.
Warning: It’s not pretty and it’s for sure a roller coaster. Also, you will find yourself praying for Chip’s poor soul a lot.
So here it goes. The diary of my journey through my second pregnancy. It is nothing like the first rodeo everything is different, the feelings, the worries and the fears they are are all different. My emotions are raw and some wounds reopened and rehashed but new lights shed on both the old and new obstacles.
I will post sections of my diary as I can, I have about 15 pages so far. I’ve titled the start of my post as
Even though I cannot tell anyone yet because I don’t know for a fact myself…I’ve decided to go ahead and document from the beginning of this pregnancy, what I’m feeling, when things happen, how nauseated I am. Some things may be too much information, but if you’ve met me then you would expect nothing less.
The first day of my last period was February 14th or 15th, I can’t remember exactly but it was right before our trip to Las Vegas; I remember because I love traveling and changing tampons, that’s fun. Chip and I decided that Vegas was going to be our time. We hadn’t had a trip alone together since our honeymoon. Ok that’s a lie we did go to Tunica, MS alone to gamble Mother’s Day weekend in 2010. Hill was like 4 months old. We were driving distance for the next feeding should something go awry so I don’t really count that as a vacation, trip yes, but vacation no.
Wait, hold on…I just realized any away from home trip without Hill that we’ve planned has been gambling related (Tunica then Vegas.) We really aren’t big big gamblers anymore but I guess we sound like some craps addicted junkies that roll the dice and say, “Hill needs a new pair of shoes!” Ok that’s not how it really happens…we play blackjack…and I only exclaim that my son needs shoes when the dealer is letting me down.
I digress. If I were to stop this post here you’d think I’m an impregnated gambling addicted mom that last had her period on Valentine’s Day. Classy.
So as I was saying Vegas was going to be our time. For months, well really years now that Hill is two, Chip has wanted another baby. I on the other hand have struggled with the emotional roller coaster I went through while pregnant then after Hill’s birth. I can’t help but remember how alone I felt during my pregnancy and how disconnected Chip was from me. I know this time will be different for us. Let’s be honest 2009 was a rough year. I’d try to get him involved in picking out names or putting the nursery together, but Chip’s mother was sick, he was back in school, his mother passed away….this pregnancy was planned and I decided I couldn’t put myself through that isolation again. Selfish? Maybe. It was not exciting for him; but it wasn’t that he was not excited. He couldn’t understand the big picture that there was a baby growing inside of me, a life, something we created, it moves and kicks! It’s a little miracle. After Hill’s birth Chip comprehended what he’d missed out on.
I was 34 weeks when we found out about Hill being a cleft baby, oh just thinking about that day makes my heart skip a beat and my stomach flip. There were so many tears, questions, fears. This was any parents fear coming to fruition, something is wrong with your baby. That day Chip became more involved in the well-being of our baby, it was real. Fight or flight became a fight - and I needed a fighter more than anything. I was no longer alone. He told me that he didn’t understand, all he was worried about was 10 finger and 10 toes and healthy, he couldn’t be excited until he saw it. He’d say that all the time. He apologized and swore it would never be that way again and wanted another child probably since Hill’s 1st birthday. I was still undecided and this had to be a mutual decision.
Hill being a cleft baby has touched my life in so many ways. I’ve experienced such strong emotions of fear, happiness, love and sadness but I would not change one iota of Hill, he is perfect. He has taught me so much. I have the perfect son and I would do it over six gajillion times again to have the same outcome of the most precious child I’ve ever met. I wouldn’t change the fact he has a cleft, strange to hear that huh? It makes him who he is. Of course I would want to take away the pain he endured from his surgery, but even when kids bump their noggin’s what mama doesn’t want to take away the pain? I cannot lie, I hurt inside for the “what if” scenarios that don’t even exist should kids pick on him down the road for having a “different” lip….yet what mama doesn’t want to protect her child from any harsh words or harm?
You see I’ve come to realize that my struggles are no different than your struggles as a mother. It’s taken me a longtime to overcome my fears of putting another child through the same pains that Hill has endured or may endure in the future. Again, Selfish? Maybe. I say I’m willing to take that chance of having another cleft baby. I’ve prayed. I’ve researched. I’ve dug deep into my soul for God to give me the answer of what I should do, am I ready? Is this what I need to do?
Amazingly enough I found the answer looking right into my eyes every day, stealing my heart, making me laugh, and being my world. Hill Hawkins you are God’s creation and so perfect. Why wouldn’t I want another bundle of happiness in my life? It would be selfish of me to not have more happiness, right?! Well at least one more happy, I don’t want to have too much happiness that I can’t handle it.
Hopefully the odds are in our favor to have a baby without a cleft, but should he/she be a cleft baby I will joyfully kiss that big ol crooked mouth four thousand million times a day just like I do Hill’s.
Please join me in my prayers for God to lay His hand on this unborn child. Pray with me as He helps this baby to form and grow that His will be done with all of His glory. Amen.