I opted for the bath. I ran a hot bath, poured the smell good bubble bath that my sweet friend Gina gave me that I'd not had the opportunity to use yet, put some V05 hot oil treatment in some hot water to try to help tame my frizzy fro, and relaxed. I even shaved my arm pits! I know right, BONUS!
Then as I sat there in that nice bubbly bath for maybe 45 seconds...my mind didn't know how to relax. I tried, but remembered I needed some stuff from Wal-Mart. Then I thought about Hill and how nervous I was months before Hill's last surgery. Then I thought about the afore mentioned laundry and cluttered room. Sigh, Really? Here is my opportunity to clear my head and I couldn't even take advantage of it. Maybe I need a chill pill?
So then I started writing this post (hence it's really Monday, October 25th but the post is dated Thursday.) I love to blog. Blogging is an outlet for my 5,000 mile per hour brain. It allows me to regurgitate my mostly pointless jib jab and some people sometimes read it. I think.
I started looking through old picture of Hill before his surgery. So soon I forget how tiny he was and how he looked before his surgery. Pre surgery I studied every square inch of his little face, his big ol' smile, his sweet little self and still I remember but forget all at the same time.
I know babies change daily, but even after his reconstruction it's almost hard to believe looking back that his cleft had that big of a gap (see his 13 day old picture below,) and I just never really thought of it as a big deal. You know what I mean, it's a big deal, but maybe I was blinded by him being perfectly perfect made for me by God, maybe I never noticed it as much as others, was I nieve? It was obvious his lip wasn't right, but still at one point, even though I knew we were going to do it, I didn't want to have the surgery. I mean really his big sweet smile below at 3 months...I miss that sometimes, it was unique and kissable. Not that he isn't now. I guess I'm just in reflecting mode and reflecting at 5,000 mph is sometimes scatter brained.
Here is a sweet reminder of my little big man and all he's been through in his little 9 month life so far.
|Right before his surgery in April 2010|
(4 months old)
|Right after his surgery in the hospital|
|A month after his surgery|
(May 20, 2010)
|13 days old|
New Orleans Doctors Office
|3 months old|
Big Ol' Sweet Smile
At the condo in Diamondhead
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. James 1:17
Chip and I tried to make a pact to not think about or worry about Hill having to have surgery until it came time at the beginning of the year. Three seconds after the idea came out of Chip's mouth, I pretty much knew I couldn't keep that promise. I'm not as worried because I have a better idea of what to expect and the emotions that come with that - like when they take him back to the operating room, when they give him anesthesia, his anesthesia reaction, the procedure, the medical staff, pacing the hallways, feeding afterwards, medicines, follow up visits, which all of this is still overwhelming, but having done it before truly helps calm the nerve and heart strings a bit.
Being that we've been through this before doesn't make it ok that my little boy has to endure this again, but it makes it more acceptable for me mentally because I can see the great progress he's made, especially now that he's trying to talk. We have wonderful doctors by our side to help make my son look like the rest of the kids in his class and endure what awesome things await him throughtout his life. It's amazing. Hill is amazing and for that reason I am not as nervous about the second procedure. I may talk your head off about it, but I have more of a sense of peace and not anxiety like before. I'm sure my emotions will fluctuate as fast as the thoughts that run through my brain when it comes closer to time, and I know you will get an ear full then. I don't think I'll be as big of a train wreck this go round, Lord I hope for my sanity I'm not. We shall see.
In the mean time, I'm going to continue study every square inch of his face because he is constantly changing and growing. Love you My Little Buddy.