Today is Tuesday, June 5th I found out this morning that my AFP test came back normal. Yay! What a relief! This doesn’t necessarily mean that my child will not have a cleft, but it does mean that the most prominent syndrome associated with clefts (Down Syndrome) has been potentially ruled out along with any major malformations (spina bifida.) This is fantastic news, but why do I still feel the urge to just cry? I can’t decipher if my tears are happy tears or what.
I think I’ve formed a little bit of resentment at the fact that I’m 16 weeks and haven’t seen my baby in about 10 weeks. I have to admit I feel a little bit as though empty promises have been made. I was promised more sonograms this go round but actually the length of time has ben WAY longer than what I had with Hill. I had my first sonogram with Hill at like 10 or 13 weeks then I found out at 20 weeks he was a boy…so that was like 7-10 weeks as the longest stint of no sonogram. I’m going on 10 weeks and then have to wait another 3 before my 19 weeks sonogram. I am broken hearted and I’m a wreck. Very disappointed. Very. Nothing caregiver wise is different. I’m not treated as a high risk pregnancy, which I am considered.
I want a sonogram. I don’t even have to find out gender the until my 19 week sonogram. I don’t even have to find out cleft issues until my 19 week sonogram. I just want to see my baby and how he/she has grown from 1 cm at 7 weeks to whatever size today. I feel that need to connect as I have had such a problem this pregnancy with so many personal demons and have had such a disconnect.
Since I’m on a tirade…my other qualm of the day since I can’t seem to wallow in happiness is that why can’t the AFP test determine the gender? Really? How does it not? It can check for chromosome disorders or mal formations of the spine by certain levels of blah blah blah in my blood but can’t determine gender? This baffles me. Medicine is phenomenal and I respect it but I certainly don’t understand it.
So maybe once I stop being a sour puss on such a day filled with great news I’ll get over myself and avoid walking into oncoming traffic.