April 27th. So I’m a little blah. Ok that’s a lie. I’m a lot blah. I’m super nauseated I may as well have the stomach virus sans diarrhea and constant vomiting – if that makes any sense. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to just go ahead and throw up 24-7 because from holding back it seems that when I do throw up it’s so viciously violent I literally pee my pants.
I’m not much of a happy spry guy today. I think I’m really really tired. Well I know I’m really really tired, I keep wondering – how in the universe am I going to keep this up until November? I need a vacation from myself I’m such a poo poo head. This pregnancy is nothing like Hill’s - - I am in constant worry and fear of everything from is he/she healthy? Cleft? No cleft? Syndromes? What am I going to do if this baby is a turd and cries all the time? How will this affect Hill? Why must I feel the need to throw up all the time, but can’t? I can usually throw up on a whim…why am I so scared to vomit?
I didn’t have these same worries with Hill. My worries with Hill were more like– what in the Holy name of Jesus do I do when he gets here? How will I know how to be a mom? I hope I don’t forget to take him out of the car or leave him somewhere. This experience is totally different. I’m more on edge. I think it’s because I knew that we’ve been a statistic before…we were the 1 in 600 that had a cleft baby. Why wouldn’t we be the 1 in 1,000 that have a down syndrome baby? A syndrome that is highly associated with clefts. Or the 1 in 88 that have an autistic child? Everything has become so prevalent we aren’t immune to any of it and it scares the Bah-Jesus outta me. I’m not trying to be like Chicken Little claiming that the sky is falling…I’m just a manic pregnant woman today.
I have to go back to the beginning. I would be perfectly alright with whomever God chooses me to be the mommy of but I think I’m more alert…not as naïve this go round about the problematic things. I know I am blessed and am so excited to be this little boogers mommy but I am scared out of my whits! Being an emotional blob that is tired and vomity doesn’t help. Giving it to God just sounds so easy but seriously impossible all at the same time.
Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m fine. I’ll get over myself in a minute just remember this is my blog. My outlet and my journal. I usually hold nothing back and it’s for my own benefit. I’m happy, nervous, scared, and ready just like I was with Hill but it’s a different happy, nervous, scared and ready. I’ve been there and done this before. It’s just that I’ve had to endure things emotionally with Hill that no mom should be subjected to and I think that is why it’s so seriously different this go round. Not in a bad way just in a more anxious way. My guard is up yet I’m not even fighting a real battle. I’m fighting an imaginary battle against clefts and syndromes and it’s wearing me out. I think I’m upset because I’m protecting this unborn baby from things that are beyond my protection, beyond my healing or kissing it better powers. The bottom line is that I have no control – this is my issue. I have control issues.
My name is Rachel and I have control issues. There. Now I feel better.